God's Child, Our Joy

An adoptive family's journey in faith and life

Yin and Yang

1 Comment

In case you were wondering, no we are not dead. I realize that we haven’t updated the blog in a couple of weeks, and just wanted to assure you that things are going well.

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It usually happens that when you have the most to say in life you also have the least amount of time to say it. We now have two children under 2, and it seems that you only have time to do things when they both are sleeping. Eva actively fights sleep when she needs it, and Eli is not consistent with his yet. When you get them synced, you remember all the other stuff you were going to do.

While time is a big reason I haven’t updated here, there’s something else. I’m having trouble writing these posts. I’m struggling with the yin and yang with this adoption story. In one hand we had a death in the family, stress, lack of sleep, anxiety, self-doubt and troubles bonding. In the other we had new life, a healthy beautiful baby who has adapted well to this world, and we had no issues with his birth or adoption.

When going back to read about Eva’s birth, I am amazed at how gushing I am. It was truly a beautiful moment that I tried to capture in my words. This birth was just as beautiful, just as amazing, but I am struggling to write to the truth of the moment. That truth was that we felt we were at the hospital with this child we don’t know while our child was at home.

It’s hard for me to write about it when I don’t feel that now. Eli is our son, and I love him. His birth remains one of the most important moments of our lives, but what if he reads about it in a few years and sees that I just wasn’t as gushing about his birth? To be honest, had the children been switched, we would have had the same reaction. It wasn’t the child, rather the circumstances around the birth that caused so much of this angst.

It’s hard to sound down about everything too when you have been blessed with this adoption. We know couples who have waited for years, we’ve known couples that had four failed placements and yet here we are with two amazing children within two years, two children who are also biologically linked, with continued strong relationships with their birth parents and yet I want to sound less than satisfied? Who am I to complain.

So over the next week or so I hope to start posting the news. It starts sad, gets tough, but starts to be better by the end. I mean, how can you look at this face and not fall for him.

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One thought on “Yin and Yang

  1. Lots of hugs to you both. I really think bonding issues are totally normal even if the child was biologically yours. I gave birth to my son and yet for his 1st week of life I struggled to accept him. Some basic maternal needs of mine weren’t met during his birth and it caused this to happen. It was only a few days in the grand scheme of things and it doesn’t mean I didn’t love him to the moon and back. I hope you don’t have too much guilt here. It can be hard to start with a new person you don’t even know when another needs you at home too. Been there as well. You have such an amazing family and I am so glad to know you and that you’re sharing your story with us. I can’t wait to read more!

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