God's Child, Our Joy

An adoptive family's journey in faith and life

Prepping for Number Two: Birth Parent Dynamics

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It took just holding her after she was born to know that she was ours. I know that many other adoptive parent don’t have this immediate feeling, and if I were adopting an older child I probably would have taken longer. With Eva, it was an instant connection.

Adoption is a big decision and certainly life altering. There are so many elements to it which can lead some to not explore it as an option due to the fear or due to the unknowns that can come with it. Last time as we were preparing for Eva’s birth, we also had to wrap our heads around the whole adoption thing as well. This time…

We have Eva, so we have an idea of how to raise a baby. We’ve been through the adoption process, so we know what to expect, and to expect the unexpected. So do we have any problems to worry about?

The problem I’ve identified is something you wouldn’t normally think of as a problem. Our last adoption went/is going nearly perfectly. Eva is developing well, she’s had no problem bonding with us, and we are extremely happy. We keep in contact with her birthparents, we continue to send pictures and meet periodically. The relationship is still good.

I don’t know what this says about us. I’ve heard many times throughout the years that God only gives you what you can handle. It then stands to reason that either we can handle more and this time around it will be more difficult, or that we really can’t handle much and things will go smoothly again.

So it would seem that this adoption will be the same this time around. I assume that because the variables are the same. It is the same birthparents, same adoptive parents, same agency, and same age of adoption for the child.

What you’ll hear when you talk to adoptive parents, or even to pregnant women is that each adoption/pregnancy is different. You’d think that they would be similar, but they are not. Our birthmother just recently told us that this pregnancy is more painful and uncomfortable than she has had before.

So what things could be different that could affect the adoption process/relationship this time around? Here’s what I could come up with:

The boy could arrive early

The boy could arrive late

This will be our birthmother’s first boy

We will have more of our birthmother’s children than she will

That last one probably hits me more than the other, but let me get back to that. Let me explain how the first three may affect us. Early/late could lead to longer hospital stays for both birthmother and the boy. She could wait sign paperwork or there could be complications for billing with insurance, but likely things will work out fine.

It is 2013, but gender still can make a difference. I don’t believe that our birthparents have any prejudice against girls, so that’s not really what I’m thinking about here. They have Eva’s sister at home, but perhaps the birthfather will have stronger feelings about this being a boy. I don’t think this is the case here either.

The last element is one I just don’t know what to think. This is where I need to have a birthparent reference. Will things change between the birthparents and us if we have two of their children and they have one? Does that mean anything, or is it a non-factor? I know that for the children it may be somewhat touchy at a certain point in their lifetimes. Had Eva been the only child that her birthmother went through adoption with, would she have felt less special? Will her sister feel special, or will she feel a twinge of guilt that her siblings are not there?

These are the questions bouncing around, but really there is nothing to do but wait and see. Each adoption is different, a lesson that is good to remember.

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