In my Black Friday post, I forgot to mention the fatherhood training video I bought. I had watched it years ago, and since it was on sale I thought it would be good to pickup and take a refresher course. I’m talking about 3 Men and a Baby, staring Magnum P.I., Sam, and Mahoney.
I love Wikipedia. Did you know that Leonard Nimoy directed this masterpiece? (Yeah!) Did you know that Adam Sandler wants to make a remake with Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider? (Boo! Didn’t they make a crappy movie together called Grown-Ups?)
For those of you who have yet to see this masterpiece of cinema, here’s the synopsis. Three successful men live together. A baby is left at their door and the men try to care for the baby and struggle because, you know, they’re men. There’s a sub plot line where they are being persued by drug dealers and the police, but that’s not really important.
Here are the lessons that every new dad can learn from this instructional video :
Feed every two hours is confusing – This I can attest to. They read in the baby book that she’s supposed to eat every two hours. Is that from when you start, or when you finish? As a new dad, it felt like it had to be after she finished, but the real answer is from the start. Those first days it felt like all you did was feed, change, rock to sleep and repeat.
It’s the tone, not the words – They read her Sports Illustrated, specifically an article about boxers beating each other.
“The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook…”
“What are you reading her?”
“It doesn’t matter what I read, it’s the tone you use. She doesn’t understand the words anyway”
Stay at home mothers are underpaid
“She did a doodle; your turn to change her”
“I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you’ll do it.”
The awkwardness of nudity – Men and women have seperate locker rooms and seperate bathrooms. You’re raised to know not to touch or look at a nude person without consent. Then less than a hour after she is born, you are told to strip her down and wipe down their unmentionables. I’ll admit to awkwardness with this at first, as did the gentlemen in the movie.
(during a diaper change) “Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?”
Formula is easily mistaken for drugs – There was an exchange where the drug dealers thought that the baby formula was the drugs. So, the lesson is: keep your drugs in seperate place than your formula so you don’t confuse the two.
Explosion triggers – When sleep deprived and out of sorts, a seemingly innocuous things like the location of the baby powder can cause an explosion.
“Where’d you put the baby powder?”
“Down the hall, I’ll get it”
“What’d you put it out there for? We’re bathing her in here”
“It’s just down the hall!”
“Well, we’re not bathing her in the hall, are we?”
“Well maybe we should START, godd****t!”
[Slams baby powder container on the pool table, causing powder to explode everywhere]
Sometimes the anger can go too far, be careful not to say anything you can’t take back :
“I hate the cello!”
It’s difficult to guess the age of a baby – When the baby arrives at the doorstop, they needed to acquire baby supplies. Unfortunately, they didn’t know the age of the baby. This led to missized diapers, multiple sets of bottles, and this fun exchange :
“The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth”
“I can’t feel anything”
“What does that mean?”
“It means she doesn’t have any d*** teeth!”
“Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?”
The lost look at the store – When arriving at the store to buy emergency baby supplies, he turned the corner to the baby aisle. Shelf upon shelf of formulas, bottles, baby food, etc. It reminded me of my first trip to ‘R Us. The first row was just safety items. Hundreds of safety items. What had we got ourselves into?!
I’m old – I mention this movie to a friend, talking about how much more funny it is now that I have a child. She had never heard of it. I’m old. A good way to look at it is that the baby in that movie is probably 26 years old right now.
Belly No-No – There is a scene where they wake in the middle of the night to sirens and jump to protect the baby. The camera goes to the baby, and she is sleeping on her belly. Ahh! Don’t they know Back is Best! Just reminds you how much things have changed.